Songs To Crack Your Christmas

Holidays have already kicked our doors open and stepped in. Christmas starts tomorrow and I sure hope you have managed to buy tons of useless stuff for your loved ones, while nearly overdrafting your account. I know I did.

Although winter holidays are the time of joy, what usually precedes it is the time of horror and loathing. It’s when all the idiots and retards of your city gather exactly in the same mall where you go to do your holiday shopping and suck the life out of you for at least a couple of hours if not more. As if the crowds and your post-shopping-account-statement wasn’t enough, the last drop usually comes with Christmas pop hits. Year to year we are being slain by the likes of Wham! and Mariah Carey with more and more singers joining this torture fest. Whatever corner of the world you live in, if you celebrate Christmas there, I am sure that your local artists also have done their fair share to make your holidays nightmare complete.

A few days ago when I heard George Michael telling the world for what was probably the 82873674364th time how last Christmas he gave some dude his heart, I started to regret that I left my flame thrower at home. George, I hope that when you die, they will send you to Hell, where you will listen to Watain forever…

However, I digress. The ear-slaughter coming out of speakers in the mall got me thinking – what cool Christmas metal songs do we have out there? I know that waaay too many bands have done covers of Christmas carols in many different languages, so that doesn’t count. What I was looking for was the original stuff, specifically written for Christmas. Some songs came to my mind right away, some required a little research, some just sucked George Michael’s balls, so I skipped them. Anyways, ladies & metalheads, hereby I present you my findings.

1. Corey Taylor – X-M@$

The first song that I instantly thought of was a recent Christmas contribution from an all around Mr. Awesome in Metal – Corey Taylor. Maybe that’s not the kind of song you’d want your kids to sing in school, but it’s entertaining and by all means reflects the holiday spirit.



2. King Diamond – No Presents For Christmas

Of course we had to go down in history and pick up one of the most influential Christmas compositions in metal. It’s no Christmas without King Diamond. (Frankly, it’s no metal without King Diamond, too).



3. South Park – Christmas Time In Hell

I can very well see kids dancing around the xmas tree to this one. Surely most of them know it by now anyways.



4. Wednesday 13 – Buried By Christmas

Except being a kick-ass lyricist in general, Wednesday 13 writes the best songs about whatever holidays. He already holds #1 spot for my favourite Valentine’s Day song, which I will present you on the occasion. But he also wrote a smashing Christmas song!



5. Steel Panther – Sexy Santa

For the kinky in you ;)



6. Twisted Sister – Heavy Metal Christmas

Even though musically this is a cover, they changed the lyrics, so now it’s twisted!




7. Lemmy Kilmister – Run Rudolph Run

I know this list was meant to be made of original songs, but there are 2 covers done by the greatest of people which I simply cannot pass by. Here is the first one.



8. Alice Cooper – Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

… and here is the second one. Alice would make the best Santa ever in the history of Santas!



This list could be quite long. There is, of course, Venom with their “Black Christmas”, there’s AC/DC and “Mistress For Christmas” and so on. Personally, I would love to hear Christmas songs done by Mike Patton or Turbonegro… maybe some day, when I’ll be good :)

The point of this is the following: if those songs were played in malls, idiots would all die in horror and Christmas shopping would become a genuinely pleasant experience.

Feel free to share your favourite Christmas songs with us!
And, most importantly… MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!!


Proud to be loud.
-Tanja